Unfinished Business

Have you ever walked out of your kitchen and left cupboards hanging open? Did it bother you enough to go back and close them? If you spilled something, would you clean it up or would you allow it to just stay there? Here’s a really good one, after you go to the bathroom do you flush or just walk away and leave it in there?

I’m guessing that the vast majorities of us are answering that we would close doors, flush toilets and clean up spills, right?

So why do we not do the same thing in life, with people and experiences that no longer serve us? I have been examining my own life and habits for the past several days, finding so many of those proverbial doors and spills still left unattended and unfinished and wondering why. The cold hard reality is that until I do close doors and clean up past “spills” I cannot adequately move on with my life and new experiences because I still have all this other stuff lingering.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no major regrets, I feel like everything has had its place in my life and every person I have encountered in one way or another has helped me grow, but sometimes I think I cause myself extra pain by keeping doors open that I just need to close, lock and walk away from. The lines between seasonal people and forever people are so easily blurred sometimes and we work to fit these people into forever spots when they really were only meant to be there for a moment. Today my goal is to close doors that need closing, lock them and then peacefully walk away. It’s time. Do you have doors that need closing? What’s stopping you?

The Foundation

 

 

As though it were a dream I see you through a fog’

That man that you were;

through the eyes of the woman

That I was.

Early days of trial and error, miscommunication

And hurt feelings; finding ourselves

While were finding each other.

My hard headed equivalent; whose passion

Was just as loud as my own

When he felt he was right; and his ego

Just as easily bruised as the tender one in me

When he was wrong.

The Man that let me find my voice’

Even when it meant hurting him to do it;

The Man that was willing to risk the wrath of my anger

If it meant revealing needed truths that would make me stronger

And wiser; courageous even.

Through experiences and talks, time spent

And conversations had; we have been lovers,

We have been friends, and we have been at war;

One at a time and all of them together.

No one has been more patient with me;

Or tested mine so greatly;

No one ever devoted so much time and energy into knowing Me;

Not up until him, and not since I met him.

Through the peaks and the valleys I have been able to call you

My friend; even when we were silent friends.

You are a vessel through which God speaks when I need it the most

And you envelope me in armor

When my spirit is frail.

You stand where most fall; you hold on

Where most let go.

We have walked miles of road to collect

The experiences that have built the foundation

Of this enduring friendship and

Brought us safely to where we now stand.

Tried and true you have remained;

Strong and steady; a solid pillar in

MY foundation.

Quench Me

 

How is it that your soul seems to move in time with mine;

And you hear me when I don’t speak?

How is it that somewhere across space and time

All I have to do is think of you,

And near me is where you seek?

How is it that I can feel you so close to me, your

Warm breath in my ear as

I taste your whisper deep inside?

Eyes closed and mind wide open

You enter into my sphere and

Seduce my senses.

Caught up in your rapture I am

Breathless and defenseless;

On the edge of where I have been

And where I long to be;

Longing for a push, but

Trapped in safe reprieve

A Letter

I felt you just then

The way your heart ached

And cried inside

I felt the way you hurt

And that you wanted to hide

Let me love that away

Let me heal your pain

Just trust in me

Stand with me in the rain

Lean on me when you’re weak

Reach for me when you stumble

Embrace me when you’re happy

Share with me your joys

Surrender to me your sorrows

Step off the ledge and trust in your wings

Close your eyes

don’t think twice

Do you see how you’re flying?
Not yet?

It’s ok just keep trying.

Feel your heart racing?

It’s closer than you think

Just around the corner, are you listening?

Step off the ledge and trust in your wings

……..and then soar

“A letter from God”

After the Toast!

I've been thinking a lot about marriage these days, whether it’s because the hopeless romantic in me keeps trying to rear her annoying head, or because I am surrounded by married people, I don't know.

When I got married 800 years ago, I don’t remember ever thinking that if I married that man, it would change him into someone better. On the contrary, I was actually happy with the person that he was and that is who I wanted to marry and spend my life with.  But I've watched something happen to people when they say "I Do", it's like a Jekyll and Hyde movie right in front of your eyes sometimes, other times, it's in slow motion, just happening over time until one day you wake up and look at the person and think to yourself, "when did this happen and can I get a refund?"

We go into marriage with some silly expectations, don't we? I mean, if you're dating someone who has issues with commitment and faithfulness right from the start, do you really think that will change with a wedding ring? Do you know how easily they come off and can be slipped into a pocket? I've watched men do it!
A long time boyfriend, and habitual liar and cheater, once told me that if I would marry him, all the nonsense would stop and he would be faithful because the sanctity of marriage meant something big to him. Excuse me? So, you mean to tell me that you will cheat on me now, because we are only verbally committed to one another, but if I legally join my life with yours, you will just change all of a sudden & respect me enough to be faithful? Wow, how thoughtful! And what a crock of BS!
I don't believe that people change like that just because a piece of paper suddenly says your lives are tied together by a legal contract. If you can't honor someone's heart and feelings way before that, then you sure as hell are not marriage material in my book!
So, we get married hoping and praying that the person will change whatever behaviors annoy us, make us mistrust them, and just generally create doubts in our minds; wrong answer.

Then you have the other group that dates, thinks they know one another, get married, and WHAM! Suddenly you're married to this person you have never met before! Is it in the champagne? Something in the catered food, perhaps? What makes a person think that its okay to be kind, compassionate Lisa today and then say I DO and turn into evil, obnoxious Lisa tomorrow? I've been there; trust me, that is NO fun!
Why do we do these things to each other?  Isn't it just more work to be someone fake, than to just be YOU?
In the years after my marriage went up in flames, as I was meeting people and dating a bit, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to be phony. I wasn't going to dress in clothes that I normally would not wear, or slop on make-up that I would generally not wear, or be anyone other than the woman I knew myself to be, and if he liked me and we hit it off, great! If not, well, hey nice to meet ya, don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out!  I just refuse to present myself in an untrue way because I don't want to be loved for who you want me to be, or think you can mold me into, I want to be loved for who I AM.

I guess the point of this rant of mine is that if you meet someone and the warning signs are all there, the red flags are slapping you in the face like your in the middle of a windstorm and the people who are closest to you and love you are telling you over and over what they clearly see happening right in front of you...you might wanna ask yourself a few things before you take that hike down the aisle. The only people we have any right to change is ourselves, the rest is out of your hands, wedding ring or not.
If he/ she doesn’t love you faithfully and honestly now, a ring and a piece of paper isn't going to change that, and sometimes no matter how much fun we have with someone, no matter how mind-blowing the sex might be, if the warning signs are there and the seeds of doubt have been imbedded in your mind about that person, perhaps it's time to step back and re-evaluate things. We all have this inner voice of intuition; we just choose not to pay attention to it all too often. Learn to listen to your voice, your intuition, and when it's all telling you to BEWARE, your best advised to do just that!

 

Faceless

The sound of your voice didn’t move me like I thought it would;
It was crystal clear to me that something was lost never to be found between us.
It was actually quite a relief to me to know that it didn’t hurt anymore, and that I could feel indifferent. It’s not that I wish you ill, or any such thing, it’s really just more that I don’t feel like you handled things in a way that I can respect, so it changed who I see when I see you. I think you’re really very careless with other people and their hearts; because no matter how strong a woman is or how grounded she is, being misled by contradictory actions vs. words leaves a bad taste and strips away your man card in my eyes. Women are innately emotional creatures and I find it truly sad that you feel justified in toying with their compassion and their trust and faith, because it is men like you who can’t commit to one good thing because you’re full of yourself and greedy, and taint the hearts of good honest women with your manipulating bullshit, thus making it harder for a good man who comes after you.
The human ego is a real demon.
And the heart of a woman once wounded, heals, but is changed forever.

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